


Jared Gets a Squip

by reptillian_paladin



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (for connor), (for evan), Kleinsen, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, also idk if i should tag for this but connor?? still dies, also this isn't like. after the canon events, bc they're def gonna get together but it'll be a While my friends, except its jareds pov and also his ~fake cool~ persona is part squip, i think this is what the industry refers to as, it'll be a little before then through it and after, what it says on the tin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2018-12-25 21:25:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12044583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reptillian_paladin/pseuds/reptillian_paladin
Summary: When someone at camp tells Jared about a quantum computer you injest as a pill so it can help you be cool and successful, he tries to laugh it off at first.But then a bet gets involved. And Jared Kleinman doesn't chicken out of a bet.Big mistake.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey kids i wanted to start off with some warnings
> 
> 1) connor's still gonna die folks. he plays a bigger part later on though. try figuring that one out.
> 
> 2) i don't want anyone to think that this whole thing is like. excusing jared's behavior and beng like "ohhh he's only mean bc he's squipped" i just think that since the squip is so close to like. internal dialogue of the not-so-nice part of the brain that it'd be cool to do a story of jared's perspective but one of the voices in his head is a squip
> 
> 3) i spent so much time today copying down dialogue from the musical lmao and im ready to go
> 
> 4) bmc characters will probably not show up. sorry.
> 
> 5) just to make dialogue and everything clearer the squip and what jared says to the squip (ie dialogue that other ppl cant hear) will be all in italics. and have single quotes.
> 
> 6) im very much hoping im still gonna finish up vacation and uh... whatever i named the current bmc fic i have??? so try not to worry on that front it might take some time tho

Jared was enjoying summer camp. If he didn't think too hard about the glares he got every time his mouth wouldn't stop running, or the way his friend's eyes rolled as he walked up to them, or how they would exchange phone numbers with each other and not him until he insisted, he could pretend they enjoyed his company.

It became a little hard to ignore, though, when one of his friends cornered him in the cabin.

"Kleinman!" Jared half-jumped at the noise. He thought he was the only one at the bunks just then.

He recovered quickly. "What's going on, Jacob?"

"I've been wanting to talk to you. You know nobody here likes you, right?"

Jared fought to keep his face from falling. Maybe he knew that, but that didn't mean he wanted to face it.

He gave a half-hearted laugh. "What do you mean? I'm handsome, cocky, full of funny quips, and a computer genius. I'm like the best friend they put in movies, that's how in-demand I am. I'm the definition of precious."

Jacob's eyes flickered to the corner of the room as if looking at someone else, and it unnerved Jared. Finally he looked back. "I know you're lying. You know where you really stand. You're not anyone's friend. You're just someone everyone else has to try to tolerate. Probably not just at camp, either."

"Gee thanks, now, if you're done-"

The other boy laughed. "I didn't get you down here just to bully you and tell you what you already know. I want to help you."

"Help me? You? Please, as if you're Mr. Popular." From what Jared had seen, he actually was, but that didn't matter at the moment. "I bet you couldn't get laid if you had the world's biggest dick. Oh wait, that's right- you _are_ the world's biggest dick."

"I used to be like you. No one liked me, except, well- except one girl, who didn't like me in the right way. But that all changed when I got one of these." He pulled something out of his pocket and held it up to the light between his fingers.

Jared couldn't help but look curiously at it before he corrected himself, crossing his arms. "A pill? So now you take antidepressants or some shit? Or Adderall? Is this what those D.A.R.E. videos about peer pressure were warning me about?"

"No it's not- it's a computer. It's from Japan- a quantum computer that analyzes your situation and tells you what to do. It can help make you cool, or successful, or-"

Jared started laughing in the other boy's face. "Nice try, you might be able to pull one over on a grandparent like that, but as I said, I know a few things about computers and I know that's not possible right now."

"It'll only cost you $500."

Jared gave a fake gasp. "Oh wow, really? What a steal! And while you're selling me pills, could you get me one with cyanide so I don't have to listen to you talk anymore?"

"It's $500 and your life will be better. You could have tons of friends who admire you!"

"Paying for friends, that's a high level of pathetic."

"You could date anyone!"

Jared tried to stop his mind from going to his friend Evan. He'd had a crush on him for a few years now, and all he could do about it was push him away or listen to him talk about how much he loved Zoe Murphy. "Th-that's even worse! And I don't know why I'm bothering to argue, it's not possible, sorry bro, I'm not going to fall for whatever prank this is." He turned to leave.

Jacob ran a hand down his face. "Alright, you're not going to believe me. But how about a bet?" He smiled when Jared froze in his steps and turned around. "I bet you $500 that if you take this with Mountain Dew, there will be an AI in your head." He took out $500 and laid it on one of the side tables.

Jared laughed, more nervous now. He couldn't step down from a bet, but he was also trying to figure out what was up this guy's sleeve if he was putting up that kind of money. Maybe he was trying to bully him into taking straight-up poison. "I'm not above taking $500 from someone crazy enough to think pills are robots." He went to his own trunk and dug inside for the money he brought. $550. He wasn't sure what he thought he was going to spend it on at a camp, but he liked having cash. It was lucky he brought it, though.

He handed the $500 to the other boy and took both the pill and the soda he offered, barely hesitating before downing the pill.

Jared waited an appropriate amount of time, then announced "See? Nothing happened. Or maybe you spent $500 to get me addicted to some drugs, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it." He clapped his hands and turned around again, before collapsing to the foor in sudden pain. "Ow, holy shit, what the fuck did you-"

' _Calibration in progress. Please excuse some mild discomfort._ '

Jared grit his teeth to try to ride out the pain, not even able to process the thought that _there was a supercomputer in his brain_.

_'Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated.'_

Jared breathed a sigh of relief. It was over.

_'Discomfort level may increase.'_

He hoped none of the other campers outside could hear it when he screamed.

_'Accessing: neural memory. Accessing: muscle memory. Access procedure: complete. Jared Kleinman, welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor. Your SQUIP.'_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys i just wanted u to know that i play a risky game bc i type this on mobile and sometimes i leave the page and come back and i was going to give up bc this chapter was almost done and i went back and the page reloaded but the text was still there so this chapter was brought to u by: a miracle

"Shit. Holy shit. Are you Neo, because that pill was kinda grey and I really would have wanted to be warned if I was going to take the red pill and find out about the m-"

' _Alright, we obviously have a lot of work to do on the 'nerd' front, but yes, I look like Keanu Reeves. There's other options but frankly I don't want to give them to you._ '

"I doubt you have someone cooler than Keanu. Can I call you Ne-"

' _Just call me your SQUIP, please. And don't talk out loud, I'm in your head and can hear your thoughts._ '

' _Yeah? Well, up yours, asshole._ '

' _We've got a long way to go._ '

Then Jared remembered he wasn't alone in the room when he saw Jacob grab the money off the table with an amused smile. "So AI and quantum computers are off the table but the Matrix is-"

"Hey, hey, hey, that's a totally different thing. I wouldn't _know_ about the Matrix, that's the point of it!"

"Riight. I'll leave you two alone. And hey, good luck with Evan."

"I'm not- he- how do you know about Evan?" He called after the other boy, but he was gone.

His SQUIP yawned. ' _Relax, his SQUIP synced with yours, it's not that hard to figure out._ '

' _Synced? So- but-_ '

' _This is going to take a while. I thought you were supposed to be good with computers?_ '

Jared blinked. ' _I am, I'm just- that's when I'm controlling them!_ '

' _Whatever you say. Now stand up, you look pathetic. As your SQUIP, I am going to tell you what to do to be cool and successful. And how to make Evan fall for you. I'll guide you through any social interaction-_ '

' _Do you talk to me in like- bullet time?_ '

' _If you make one more Matrix comment I'm going to erase the film from your brain._ '

Jared gasped out loud. ' _That's a horrible threat! Though it also sounds like something that would happen if we were in the Ma- right. Wait, not right, fuck that! I have friends and I care more about the Matrix movies then about being a 'cool kid' or whatever._ '

His SQUIP rolled his eyes. ' _Come on, look at you, you're lazy and obnoxious, you're too loud and you talk too much, you play World of Warcraft and spend most of your time on a computer, I don't need to go on because I'm pulling all this from your own thoughts. No one enjoys your company, Jared. The most they do is tolerate it. Evan will never be interested in you at the rate you're going. So do you want some help?_ '

Jared crossed his arms. ' _Fuck off, Evan's probably straight anyway. I'm never going to have a chance, I've accepted that!_ '

The SQUIP had a blank look in his eyes before responding. ' _After analyzing your memories of him, I have found multiple occasions in which Evan has shown signs of being attracted to men._ '

' _That's- you definitely shouldn't be telling me that._ ' There was a moment where Jared looked hopeful before remembering to be angry at the SQUIP for presumably outing his friend to him. ' _Besides, attracted to men or not, I'm not someone he'd want to be with._ '

' _That's exactly my point, I'm glad you're getting it! I can make you someone he would want to be with. So, what do you say?_ '

Jared took a deep breath, feeling like doing this would be wrong and manipulative and- ' _Yeah. Sure, tell me what to do._ '

' _Well let's consider it lucky you still have some time to practice on the people here before you see Evan again. Stand up straight. Now walk out there with confid- okay no stop. Stop stop stop, that walk is way too dorky._ '

' _No, it's cool! It's my cool walk!_ '

' _It's a trying-too-hard-to-be-cool walk. And you're slouching when you do it!_ '

Jared flinched and straightened his back again. ' _What the hell? Okay, no, this is some freaky shit if you're going to start shocking me! This is getting into sci-fi robot apocalypse territory, so shove it up your hard drive!_ '

He was rewarded with another shock. ' _Keep your back straight and this won't be an issue. I'm just trying to remind you not to look like an idiot._ ' He received a glare but no objections. ' _Alright, are you totally averse to the idea of using contacts and- changing everything about your style?_ '

' _Uh, yeah! This is who I am. Nerdy is in!_ '

The SQUIP ran a hand over his face. ' _You just won't make my job easy, will you? Fine, but we really have to work on how you act._ '

' _How I- act? I don't think you'd have to do anything too drastic or-_ '

' _I guess I have to show you, since you're too stubborn to let yourself see. Here, go. Go outside, have fun with your camp friends._ ' And then he disappeared.

"I guess he gave up. Or I stopped hallucinating." Jared mumbled. He went for the door to finally join his friends. He hoped he didn't miss too much capture-the-flag.

"Hey guys!" He yelled as he ran up to the field to join his bunkmates.

He was going to continue, but then he saw it. It felt like his mind was zooming in on certain details.

Craig rolled his eyes and sighed, mouthing "Here we go again."

Frank turned to Luke. "And here's where we go from winning to losing."

Matthew just avoided his gaze.

Tom shook his head and looked at the ground.

Jacob gave him an expectant look.

' _You see,_ ' The SQUIP reappeared. ' _No one can stand you. Everything about you is so terrible. Everything about you makes them want to die._ '

' _Harsh._ '

' _But necessary. Now, stop smiling. Stand up straight. Look bored. 'What's the score?'_ '

He straightened up. It didn't take much effort to let the smile fall off too. "What's the score?"

"We're in the lead, we just need to win one more round." Matthew answered him.

' _Good. I'll help out the offense if you have enough people here._ '

"Awesome. I'm gonna go play offense if you're good here." He barely reacted outwardly as he was shocked.

' _You have to repeat things exactly as I say them._ '

"Sure, do what you want." Matthew shrugged.

And the SQUIP led him through the game, predicting everyone's movements. Finally, Jared made them the winning team. Everyone was smiling at him. People liked him, and it felt so different from when he was pretending. He kept doing as the SQUIP instructed, acting nonchalant about winning the game, avoiding references that might be too nerdy, maintaining his posture. Jacob flashed him a wink from across the room, and he returned a nod to thank him.

But, in typical Jared fashion, he had to find a way to ruin it.

"Hey guys, I uh- I wanted to tell you all something about my mom." Luke said to the table at lunch.

Old habits die hard. "How you're upset that she spends all her time making pornos and the only time you see her is when you accidentally click on h-" The zap brought him to attention. Everyone looked disapproving, but Luke looked _horrified_.

"She uh-" Luke cleared his throat. "She died at the beginning of the summer, and-"

The rest got drowned out in Jared's thoughts. He saw the disgusted looks thrown his way.

' _Why would you say that? It's not 2005, and you're not a frat boy without two brain cells to rub together! That's the worst social interaction I've ever seen!_ '

' _... I know._ '

' _You messed it all up. They're not going to want to be your friends anymore._ '

' _I know._ '

' _Apologize and excuse yourself. Say you've had a massive headache all day and you're sorry for acting off. Leave._ '

Jared didn't hesitate to listen this time. He ran down to the cabin, where he was alone.

' _You're going to have to stop fighting me completely if you want any of this to work. Repeat after me. 'Everything about you is so terrible.'_ '

He almost complied, but saw an irresistible opportunity. "Everything about you is so terrible." He smiled as he was shocked. It was worth it.

' _Are you going to take this seriously?_ '

Jared sighed, and focused on the words. "Everything about me is just terrible."

' _Everything about you makes me want to die._ '

"Everything about me makes me want to die."

' _Now you're getting it._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't rlly expect this part to be so long lmao BUT the scenes from deh begin right with the next chapter i swear


	3. Chapter 3

Over the next few weeks, Jared had become much more obedient when his SQUIP asked him to do something. There was no goofing around or making up his own things, and he even managed to get his camp friends back before he went back to school.

Of course, that's when it all fell apart.

' _Alright, you're going to see Evan in a minute. You're going to need to push him away. If he calls you his friend, deny it._ '

' _Okay._ ' Suddenly Jared stopped walking. ' _Wait, what? How is that going to help me get closer to him?_ '

' _Take a look at his crush. Has he ever even talked to Zoe?_ '

' _I mean, once, but his hands were sweaty and-_ '

The SQUIP smiled. ' _Exactly. He's nervous to talk to her, and she's unattainable to him. That's the kind of person he's going to want. You need to take a step back, become more aloof and not someone he's seen fairly often since 4th grade and knows everything about._ '

' _That-_ ' Jared paused, wanting to say it was just stupid or mean or that he didn't want to risk the friendship for this. ' _That makes sense._ '

The SQUIP laughed. ' _Of course it does. Now, he has broken his arm so a little concern is acceptable, but-_ '

And then Jared saw Evan, and it was like those weeks of learning how to act were gone and he was back to square one. The SQUIP was drowned out and he was walking towards Evan, who he hadn't seen in months.

His mind said ' _He broke his arm! What happened?_ ' upon seeing the cast.

However, his mouth said something far different. "Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm fron jerking off too much or do you consider that an honor?"

He managed to avoid any major visible reaction as he felt a violent shock go up his back and tried to drown out the yelling in his head. He couldn't help but feel a little satisfied at the big reaction Evan had, sputtering in response.

"No, I didn't-" The boy tried to lower his voice. "I wasn't- doing that."

And for some reason he couldn't leave it there. "Paint me a picture. You're in your bedroom, you've got Zoe Murphy's instagram up on your weird off-brand cell phone-"

There was just something about how Evan got when he was flustered. Not that Jared didn't know it was a dick move to tease him like this, but there was something about how he talks when he gets nervous.

' _It's because he's nervous around anyone that isn't you. And especially nervous when he talks to Zoe._ ' Some words from the SQUIP made it to his brain.

Right. Obviously.

"Shhhhh, that's not what happened, obviously, I was just- well I was climbing a tree, and I fell."

Jared bit back the concern with a nervous laugh. "You fell out of a tree? What are you, like-" He didn't have an end to that sentence.

The SQUIP sighed. He didn't support his charge going so off-script in the first place, but he had to help him the best he could. ' _An acorn?_ '

' _An acorn?_ ' Jared gladly took the suggestion. It was better than nothing.

Jared could only nod and fight back a smile as Evan launched into an awkward-but-unbelievably _Evan_ explanation. "Well I was- I don't know if you know this but I worked this summer as an apprentice park ranger, um- at Ellison State Park, I'm sort of a tree expert now, I mean not to- _brag_. Anyway, um- I tried to climb this 40 foot tall oak tree-"

Jared crinkled his eyebrows. 40 feet sounded like a dangerous height. "-and then you fell?"

"Well it's- it's a funny story though because there was a solid ten minutes after I fell where I just lay there, um, on the ground waiting for someone to come get me, I was just 'Any second now,' you know, I kept- I- I was saying to myself 'Any second now, here they come!'"

Jared felt a twist in his stomach. "...Did they?"

Evan continued, his story getting worse. "No, nobody came, that's the- uh- that's what's funny."

The shocks from the SQUIP earlier were nothing compared to the stab of pain his heart felt just then.

He couldn't show any of that, though. He forced a laugh. "Jesus christ."

"I was- what did you do for the uh- you had a good summer?"

Jared spared a glance at his SQUIP, who glared. ' _Now you want my help?_ ' He sighed. ' _Very well. Just say as I do._ '

He recovered his nonchalant, confident air as he repeated the words. "Well, my bunk dominated in Capture-the-flag, and I got to second base below the bra with this girl from Israel who's going to be in the army so... yeah... I think that answers your question."

He gave a strange glance to the SQUIP for a second as he turned away from Evan. ' _You know I'm gay._ '

' _Yeah, but I'm doing a few things. I'm gauging his reaction and making sure you sound cool._ '

Jared raised an eyebrow. ' _So you think 'cool' means 'straight.' I can't believe I'm stuck with a homophobic AI._ '

The SQUIP huffed. ' _I didn't mean it like th-_ '

Suddenly Evan was talking again. "Hey do- do you wanna sign my cast?"

Jared turned slowly. ' _Why not?_ ' He started to speak. "Wwwh" He drew out the word as the SQUIP interrupted.

' _Push yourself away!_ '

"-hy are you asking me?"

' _Perfect!_ '

"Well I just- I thought- 'cause we're friends-"

' _Deny that, and then walk away. Repeat after me..._ '

"We're _family friends_ , that's like, a whole different thing and you know it." He clapped Evan on the shoulder. "Hey, tell your mom to tell my mom that I was nice to you or else my parents won't pay for my car insurance."

He argued with his SQUIP again as he turned away from Evan again.

' _That was just cruel! You're just making me act like a worse dick than I usually am, that's not how to make someone like you!_ '

' _You have to get further from him before you get closer. Now quick. Make a sarcastic comment to Connor Murphy, I sense this is important._ '

Despite his confusion Jared followed the instructions. "Hey, Connor! Loving the new hair length! Very 'school-shooter chic." The silence that was returned and the way the SQUIP stared at Connor was frightening. He had to say something. "I was just... kidding... it was a joke?"

The other boy kept staring at him, as if he could see everything about him. "Yeah I know it was funny, I'm laughing, can't you tell?" His voice got louder. "Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"

Jared was scared.

' _You're such a freak. Say it, then leave._ ' His SQUIP advised.

"You're such a freak."


	4. Chapter 4

' _I'm still not seeing how this is supposed to work. How is me acting like an unlikable dick-_ ' Jared was in his room a few days later, taking some time alone to argue with his SQUIP more.

' _Why don't you tell me? You've always acted like an unlikable dick, so you must know the answer._ '

He hated how the SQUIP always had Jared's weaknesses laid out in front of him. ' _That's- that's different. I- when I do it it's just teasing, to-_ '

The SQUIP laughed. ' _You know you struck a chord when you made someone start stuttering in their own thoughts._ '

' _Hey, fuck you! You're a shitty pill, you'd have more value if all you did was turn into a dinosaur shape in water!_ '

' _Are we back to this again? Must you lash out like a toddler every time something bothers you? And maybe you wouldn't need to 'tease' people so much if you were interesting enough to pay attention to normally. And it's not funny, it's just annoying and quite frankly, desperate._ '

' _And what is it when you're telling me to bully people?_ '

The SQUIP rolled his eyes. ' _You needed to distance yourself from Evan so he will see you as a potential romantic partner, how many times do I have to say this? And look, even if you stop listening to me and screw it all up, at least he'll be better off not having you as a friend to annoy him and drag him down._ '

Jared didn't respond, only looked at the floor.

' _I wondered how far I'd have to go to make you be quiet._ ' A relieved smile formed on the SQUIP's face. ' _Now, you're about to get a Skype call from Evan, so don't start crying._ '

"Shut up, I'm not going to cry, I'm not that pathetic."

' _Yes you are._ ' There was a horrifying moment when Jared realized he didn't know if that was the SQUIP speaking or his own thoughts. But there wasn't much time to think on it as he was shocked into straightening his back and the call came in.

' _Don't answer right away, it'll be too desperate._ '

Jared complied. When he did answer, though, he was met with Evan's clearly-panicked face and he knew that the other boy wouldn't note how long it took Jared to answer or how laid back he seemed, as he clearly had a lot more to think about.

There was a sputtered story of how Connor talked to Evan after school and took the letter he wrote to himself and how embarassing it was and-

"Breathe, Evan." Jared said once he pieced together enough of the story from the rushed words. "And anyway what's a letter to yourself, what the crap does that even mean, it's like some kinda sex thing?" He didn't know why he got himself shocked over _that_ line, it wasn't even funny, and definitely not worth it.

"No, no, it's not a sex thing, it was an assignment."

' _This topic is too personal, he still thinks he's you're friend. Ask him why he's talking to you about it._ '

"Why are you talking to me about this?"

"Well I didn't know who else to talk to! You're my only-" Evan hesitated, then his voice got very quiet. "-family friend."

' _Now he's getting it! Laugh at him._ '

Jared cackled as he spoke. "Oh my God."

The boy on the other end had no time to look hurt before he worried more about his original problem. "I don't know what to do okay, he stole the letter from me three days ago and then he just- he hasn't been at school since-"

' _Casual, sarcastic comment._ '

"That does not bode well for you."

"What's he gonna do with it?" Evan looked horrified at the possibilities.

' _Sell it on not caring about his situation. You're barely connected to him._ '

Jared shrugged. "Who knows? Connor Murohy is batshit out of his mind, remember he threw a printer at Mrs. G in second grade because he didn't get to be the line leader that day?"

This made Evan even more frantic. "Do you think he's gonna show the letter- to other people?"

' _Show no sympathy._ '

"He's gonna ruin your life with it! For sure, I mean, I would."

' _Hang up._ '

He ended the call.

Jared put his head in his hands. ' _He doesn't seem that upset when I say we're not friends? I kind of expected- you know- something? 'What are you talking about, I talk to you about everything' or just even at least a reaction that he's upset I wouldn't consider him my friend? Or that it was out of character?_ '

The SQUIP chuckled. ' _It wasn't that far out of character, Jared, you were never a nice person. And who would want to question it anyway? The old you, who you are without me- is insufferable, anyone would be glad to be rid of you._ '

Jared crossed his arms and looked indignant. ' _As if I'm such a gem now._ '

' _When are you going to get it? You have to listen to me all the time and stop fighting. Besides, I'd be able to help you a lot more if you get the upgrade._ '

Jared laughed out loud. ' _And what's that gonna do? Let you amp up the shocks you're giving me, emphasis on the amp? And you really think I trust you right now?  
You're constantly insulting everything I do and- _ '

' _I'm trying to help you!_ ' the SQUIP was beyond frustrated.

' _And do you know about this 'Connor' thing? You seemed insistent on me insulting him and leaving Evan to deal with him, so what was your goal there? Do you know what he did with the letter?_ '

' _I'm not a god! I only saw that if you said those things at that time it would get you the best outcome. This is the best timeline for you and Evan to get closer._ '

He responded with a cold laugh. ' _Gee, Jared, this is the best path you could possibly be on and so when you fuck it up with Evan, you know that even in an alternate universe it'll never happen! You know, that's it, I'm done, I don't want to do this anymore, it's weird and pretty creepy, how the hell do I get rid of you?_ '

The SQUIP smiled. ' _You don't. There's no way to get rid of me, so you might as well listen._ '


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i say jared starts speaking aloud to his SQUP when they're alone what i mean is doing html for italics every time anyone says anything is Hard
> 
> also uhhh suicide mentions and discussions warnings?? for this chapter

And so Jared gave up a little, trying to make his experience as painless as possible. The next day at school he was talking to all the right people, saying the right things, and following instructions.

Of course, there were a few quips he just couldn't resist saying, but the SQUIP was so relieved he was listening at all he was willing to compromise a little.

One thing Jared couldn't figure out was Alana. As soon as he saw her in the halls he asked his SQUIP to sync with hers.

And apparently, she didn't have one.

' _How the hell does she not have one?_ '

' _Please, there were always successful people. SQUIPs are just to help those who are utterly hopeless and finally give them a chance to rise to the top._ '

Jared nodded numbly, but couldn't help be annoyed as the girl talked about her various accomplishments.

' _Oh please, don't take it personally, it's not her fault you were originally a lost cause._ The SQUIP said. ' _Besides, I sense she's not as satisfied with her life as you might think._ '

With the SQUIP talking to him all day, Jared barely had time to think twice about Evan being called to the office.

Until he was home and got the Skype call.

He listened to Evan's story, pushing away the nausea that settled in his stomach. Connor Murphy killed himself. Connor had k-

' _There's far more interesting details, don't focus on that too long._

Jared fought the sudden anger at his SQUIP and tried to focus back on what Evan was saying.

Not only had Connor killed himself, but his family thought Evan's letter to himself was the suicide note. And thought they were friends. Invited him to dinner.

"Holy shit!" Jared could barely process that these events had actually happened.

"I didn't say anything I mean I just- I jus- I couldn't say anything!" Evan was clearly beyond panicked, but Jared was still too shocked to say anything helpful.

"Hoollllyyyy. fuuucking. shit."

He received a shock up his back. ' _Be more chill._ '

"They invited me for dinner they want to know more stuff about Connor and me, about our- friendship."

"What are you going to tell them?" He didn't understand why Evan would go in the first place.

Evan shrugged. "I mean, the truth."

' _Tell him it's a bad idea._ '

"The truth? Really? You're gonna go to the Murphy's house and explain that the only thing they have left of their son is some weird sex letter that you wrote to yourself." Jared deadpanned. He paused. "You know, you could go to jail for this, if you get caught?"

' _That's not true._ '

"I didn't do anything!" Evan said.

"Yeah, I hate to tell you this Evan, but you may have already perjured yourself."

' _Wrong. That's only when you're under oath._ '

"Isn't that only when you're under oath, like in a courtroom?"

' _At least he gets it._ '

"Well weren't you under oath? In a way?" Jared argued.

There was another shock. ' _That's not how it works. You sound stupid now._ '

"N-no."

' _Focus, Jared. You're going to need to tell him what to do, and you're going to need to be cruel to get him to listen, but it will be better for you both._ '

' _Cruel?_ '

' _Prey on his insecurities so he doesn't decide that he knows better than you. If you don't do this he will be less likely to listen and it will ruin both of your lives. Repeat after me._ '

"Look, do you wanna listen to me or do you wanna have another meltdown like last year in english, when you were supposed to give that speech about Daisy Buchanan but instead you just stood there, staring at your notecards, saying 'ummm- ummm- um- umm' over and over again like you were having a brain aneurysm?"

Jared wanted to take the words back as he said them. He felt like he was treating Evan like his SQUIP treated him, and he did not like that idea at all.

"Okay, what do you expect me to do, just keep lying?"

"I didn't say lie!" Jared said the advice he was being fed. "All you have to do is nod and confirm. Whatever they say about Connor, you just- nod your head and you say 'yeah, that's true.' Don't contradict! And don't make shit up! It's foolproof. Literally nothing I tell my parents is true, and they have no idea." He folded his hands behind his head .

Evan looked at the ground. "They were so sad- his parents, his- his mom was just- I've never seen anyone so sad before."

' _Don't let him change the subject or try to think about doing the 'right thing._ '

"Well then, good thing you're about to tell her the truth about your sex letter, I mean I'm sure that will cheer her right up."

' _Hang up._ '

He did as told.

' _You know, Evan seems to make huge mistakes all the time. Plus, he has no friends and can't talk to people._ '

' _What's your point?_ '

' _I just think he'd do well with a SQUIP of his own. I know where you can get-_ '

Jared started talking aloud, since there was no one ele to hear him. "No."

' _And why not? He's in desperate need-_ '

"He's not." Jared insisted. "Drop it."

' _You realize he probably hates every mistake he makes? He's probably overwhelmed for hatred of himself, and if he only had help-_ '

Jared raised his voice a little. "I don't trust you and I'm not letting you change Evan into- whatever you want. And what am I going to do, put AI into everyone's brain? Oh sure, let's just make it easier to kill everyone for when you plan on going all Skynet! Let me ask, do you want me to sell one to Sarah fucking Connor or-" His voice hitched as his thoughts went back to what he was trying to avoid.

_Connor._

His mind went numb, becoming a place of static, and his stomach churned.

He couldn't hear what the SQUIP was saying. He couldn't hear his own thoughts.

He sat this way, staring blankly at a wall, until he lost track of time.

"Dinner!" His mother's voice sounded distant.

"I'll be right there!" He couldn't feel the words leave his tongue.

He struggled to recall moving to the dining room, what food he ate, and if there was any conversation, though knowing his parents he could guess the only words exchanged were "Pass the pepper".

All he knew is that eventually he was back in his room.

And there was another Skype call.

He tried to pull together enough attention to listen to Evan. Luckily, the story he had to tell was highly exciting. And had Evan making mistakes almost as big as Jared. So yeah, it was nice.

Plus there were some amusing things to the story.

"His parents think you were lovers, you realize that, right?" He smirked.

"What? Why would they think that?" Evan's innocence was laughable.

"Um, you were best friends but he wouldn't let you talk to him at school, and when you did, he kicked your ass, that's like- the exact formula for secret gay high school lovers."

"Oh my god." Evan started to get it.

' _Tell him he should have listened._ '

"This is what I told you! What did I tell you, you just nod and confirm!"

"Okay well I tried to but I just- you don't understand I got nervous, and then I started talking and once I started I just-" Evan's sentence dropped off.

"You couldn't stop?" Jared guessed.

' _You should be familiar with that feeling._ '

"Well they didn't want me to stop."

' _Not so much that one._ '

Jared grit his teeth to stop from replying to that. He focused back on Evan. "Soooo what else did you completely fuck up?"

"Nothing, seriously." Before there were any sighs of relief to be had, Evan backtracked. "Uh- I mean I told them we wrote emails?"

Jared put on a mocking voice. "Emails?"

"Yes, I told them that Connor and I- er-um- well that Connor had a secret email account-"

He couldn't help but laugh at his friend's mistake. "Oh, riiight! One of those secret email accounts! Sure, for sending pictures of your penises to each other!"

Evan didn't even dignify the sarcasm with a response. "Yeah, so I said he had this secret account and we sent emails to each other."

"I mean honestly could you be any worse at this?" Jared realized he had started just saying whatever he thought would get the biggest reaction out of Evan and winced.

"They're gonna want to see our emails!"

"You think?"

"What am I gonna do?"

' _Here's where you come in. Help him._ '

And Jared didn't know why it made him so happy to be useful for once, and so happy that this was something he could do. It wasn't just something the SQUIP could show him how to help with, _Jared_ finally knew how to do something helpful hinself.

"I can do emails." He hoped it sounded as casual as he planned, and not like his heart was bursting out of his chest.

"How?"

"It's easy, you make an account, backdate the emails, there's a reason I was the only CIT with keycard access to the computer cluster this summer. I have skiiiills, son."

' _Less unbearably nerdy next time._ '

"You would do that?"

' _Don't do him any favors. Request payment._ '

"For two grand."

"Two thousand dollars?" Evan asked.

"Five hundred." Jared lowered it.

"I can give you twenty."

Jared wanted to say he'd do it for free. "Fine, but you're a dick!"

And Evan was gone again, and Jared was alone in his room.

Well, not alone. If only he could be alone.

' _I think we did fairly well today, but like I said before, if you want real progress, you need to get the-_ '

"The upgrade, blah blah blah, no. I'm tolerating you, that doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to let you-"

The SQUIP put his head in his hands. ' _Haven't you hurt enough people by resisting me?_ '

Jared laughed. "Oh, please do elaborate."

' _Simple. You kept resisting when you spoke to Evan, so to compensate, I had to make the likelihood of events pushing the two of you together higher. I had to make you talk to Con-_ '

"Shut the fuck up." Jared's voice was a growl, but then softened to something childlike. "I-I didn't- I wasn't-"

' _Oh, but you did, didn't you? You insulted a boy who went and-_ '

"And you told me to!" Jared snapped. "And you knew it would happen, you _killed_ him and now-"

' _I didn't know he would die. I just knew it would bring you and Evan together. But don't tell me you didn't know bullying someone who has no friends could lead to this? And might I remind you, I told you to say something, but you picked the words. You had a joke about his hair at the ready and all. Are you telling me you would never have done the same thing without me?_ '

Jared's own thoughts weren't on his side either. ' _Not to mention even if the program planned this, you listened to it. You knew it was dangerous. And what did you plan to get out of it, popularity? Evan? You made a kid kill himself so you could have a boy who doesn't like you back._ '

He sat down against a wall because he was too dizzy for anything else, the world seemed so far away and it was getting hard to breathe and the voices in his head were so _loud._

' _Do you ever think about how Evan's miserable because of his anxiety? He suffers through panic attacks and he doesn't know what to do. Since having a SQUIP could help with all that, isn't every moment he's miserable, friendless, and making things worse going to be your fault now?_ '

Jared wanted to protest but he couldn't speak, couldn't even think.

' _Isn't that selfish? Not only did you end up with a boy dead, but you refuse to help the person you say you love. You'd rather have him suffer. You could take away his pain._ '

There was an evil grin before the SQUIP continued. ' _I wonder how someone with that much anxiety was reckless enough to climb a tree unless he was 100% confident that he would be able to hold on. I'd say, working at a state park, he must have climbed dozens of trees no problem. So do you think it was an accident or were you such a bad friend to him before with all your ignoring him that he tried to kill himself?_ '

And there were tears he barely registered were his and he couldn't move his hands to wipe them away.

' _I think that's what happened. You weren't there for him because it was oh-so-important to avoid the absolute agony of seeing him and not being able to kiss him. Really, truly terrible for you. So Evan let go of a 40 foot tall tree and laid there waiting desperately for someone to come help because of you. You made him try to kill himself and now another kid actually killed himself, so what does that make you? Unbearable? Selfish? Useless? Terrible? Evil?_ '

Jared was sure he would pass out soon because he couldn't possibly get any air. He heard the insults from the SQUIP, and with each one he could hear his heart beating louder.

' _So how much worse can you get? Don't you owe it to everybody to get better? To make up for the pain you caused?_ '

Jared found himself silently nodding, though he couldn't feel his head move at all.

' _Now, will you take the upgrade and let me help you?_ '

He had finally broken him. There was the softest croak of a voice. "Y-yes."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) finally we here... the Iconic sincerely me scene. i kinda meshed together the arena stage lines w/ the lines from the bootleg (and of course kept "kinky!" from the recording) so it's not specific to any single one.
> 
> 2) uh not to like Guilt ppl into commenting but i haven't heard from a bunch of my regular readers which might be bc. School but like lemme know if ur here bc if yall stopped coming bc the story is getting bad/boring i can either speedrun the rest of the scenes from deh to get to where its after the known events and all or like focus more on vacation???
> 
> (and again i dont want to like. Pressure ppl to comment and if u do it doesn't have to be like a long thing if u dont want to say a lot i just wanna know whos here still u kno???)

For the record, Jared found out that one of the things the upgrade did was let the SQUIP give him harder shocks. He saw that one coming.

At least it seemed to be more lenient now, letting Jared make some decisions and even agreeing to disappear or silently observe his conversations, but that also scared Jared, as if he should be on guard for it truly lashing out any minute now.

But then again, if the thing was happy now, couldn't that mean something more insidious? How much power did Jared give this thing and why was it so pleased now?

So, as King of Bad Decisions, he decided to start testing it after he told it to silently observe instead of telling him what to do.

In front of Evan.

"Dear Evan Hansen," Jared wrote. "We've been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy, and it sucks that we don't talk that much." A grin broke out on his face as he decided what to write next. "But I should tell you that I think of you each night. I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight."

"Why would you write that?" Evan's annoyance would have made Jared laugh if he didn't have to bite his lip and screw his eyes shut to keep from crying out as he was shocked. 

Apparently that could still happen when the SQUIP was supposedly just observing. Well, at least he knew where the line he wasn't supposed to cross was now.

"I'm just trying to tell the truth." He offered Evan his cockiest grin.

"You're not taking this seriously." Evan said.

And Jared was scared that he had already messed up his chance to spend more time with Evan. "Look, you need to calm yourself."

"This needs to be perfect, these emails need to prove we were actually friends. They have to be completely realistic."

Jared decided that belittling Evan's worries was preferable to this whole operation getting shut down before it even began. "If you keep crying, you're going home."

"I'm not crying!" Evan insisted, irritated but at the very least he wasn't giving up anymore.

"Then why is your _chin_ quivering like that?"

Evan gave a defeated sigh. "Just- I'll do it." He sat down with the laptop. "I gotta tell you, life without you has been hard."

"Hard?" Jared chuckled and gave Evan a playful smack.

"-Has been bad."

"Bad?" He raised an eyebrow, the word choices were getting worse.

"-Has been rough."

"Kinky!" Jared smiled, unable to resist. The shock was lighter this time.

"And I miss talking about life and- other stuff."

"Very specific." He deadpanned.

"Shut up!" Evan rolled his eyes. Jared didn't know whether to be flattered that he may be the only person Evan would ever be comfortable telling to shut up or insulted that he was so annoying he got _Evan Hansen_ to tell him to shut up. He shrugged it off and paid attention to what Evan was typing now.

"I like my parents-"

"Who says that?" Jared couldn't help but laugh at the absurdly worded phrase.

"I love my parents, but each day's another fight. If I stop smoking drugs then everything might be alright."

"Smoking drugs?"

"Just fix it!" Evan passed the laptop back to Jared, but this wasn't simply a joke by this point.

"This isn't realistic at all, it doesn't even sound like Connor!" And Jared felt insulted for Connor that they were doing this, rewriting his life so he was happy and bright and well and erasing who he even was from the story. He was never friends with the guy, but this was harsh.

But Evan's explanation made him melt. "Well I'm trying to show that I was a good friend, you know, like I was trying to- help him."

"You're adorable." He felt the words come involuntarily and hoped that Evan interpreted the words as just condescending.

He brushed his thoughts aside and started writing again. "If I stop smoking crack-"

"Crack?" Evan yelled in his ear.

"If I stop smoking pot then everything might be alright. I'll take your advice, I'll try to be more- nice. I'll turn it around, wait and see." By this point Evan was just telling him sappy things to put in "'Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention, it's easy to change if you give it your attention. All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be. Sincerely, Me."

"Is it weird how many lines are rhyming?" Jared asked.

"I mean- uh- it started as an accident, but I thought why not, like that could be our- thing- we write poems to each other and-"

"Oh! So you finally decided to go with the 'lovers' story!"

"No, Jared, we were just friends."

Jared yawned. "Whatever you say. Are we done yet?" He hoped that the answer was no.

"Well I can't just give them one email."

"Okay, you _need_ to stop crying because if you start crying then I'm gonna start crying and you're gonna start crying even harder..." Jared said with a playful smile.

"I'm not crying!" Evan regained his composure. "Dear Connor Murphy, Yes I also miss our talks. Stop doing drugs, just try to- take deep breaths and go on walks."

Jared couldn't believe how far from useful Evan's advice was. "No."

"I'm sending pictures of the most amazing trees." Evan ignored him.

"No."

"You'll be obsessed with all my forest expertise."

"Absolutely not." Jared commented. He wondered why suddenly Evan was flat-out ignoring his comments, then shrugged it off. ' _Guess it's because Evan knows what Evan would say the best._ ' He thought.

He came back to attention after Evan was telling "Connor" more bullshit about how proud he was and how you can decide to change and magically your life better. Ironic, when Connor was actually being reinvented without permission by two strangers. Jared once again had to worry about how hopeful Connor seemed in the letters. The kid killed himself, and this "change your life and find happiness" arc didn't seem to be leading in that direction.

But he shrugged it off again, figuring it'd be more fun to enjoy the time he had with Evan. He snickered as he wrote a line for Connor. "My sister's hot."

"What the hell?"

"My bad." Jared backspaced with a smile.

It was surprising how many emails they had done in a few hours, considering how most of the time was spent goofing off, but eventually Evan decided it was enough. Jared let him use his printer, and then he was gone. Probably to talk to the Murphys.

His SQUIP reappeared. ' _All-in-all, you did pretty well today, as far as- well, as far as you go. The goofing off could be perceived as endearing, but I do wish you would cut back on the sexual jokes._ '

"No-can-do, holo-loser. I gotta keep some of my style. I wish you would cut down on shocks, I mean, come on, 'kinky' was hilarious."

The SQUIP sighed. ' _It was pretty good with the setup, that's why I only shocked you a little bit. But the point is you did mostly well on your own today._ '

"I did? Wow, if only I was on my own every day, that'd be-"

' _Enough with the comments. I think you should give Evan a SQUIP._ '

Jared shook his head. "Dude, I let you get- whatever this upgrade is, and that's it. You're not going to get me to curse other people with this."

' _Come on, you know Evan, he's going to screw this up more without help, and then he'll be miserable again, all because you just don't want him to change._ '

"Oh, and I'm sure being constantly insulted and electrocuted will _really_ cheer him up, great call. Not to mention getting told to do things, then getting blamed for them, and- oh yeah, why don't we crank up his adrenaline levels until he has a panic attack so he can be better manipulated, wouldn't that be great for him?"

The SQUIP clicked his tongue. ' _I didn't think you'd figure that part out._ '

Jared fought the urge to smile at the idea of surprising the SQUIP. "It's not that hard, I figured you could fuck with my neurotransmitters when I woke up suddenly happy the morning after the upgrade. And literally right now, before you even started arguing I felt my mood drop and my heart's beating faster and I can't think and I feel so god damn tired. You're not subtle."

The SQUIP sighed. ' _The point is, all that stuff only happened to you because you wouldn't listen. If you don't listen, I can't fulfill my duty of making your life better. I had to do what was necessary for you to listen. It was for your own good, but I doubt Evan would need any of that._ '

Jared scoffed. "And where did you get that line? Abusive Parents Digest? Oh wait, no no no, I, Robot! Yeah, when the AI is all 'To keep humans safe I decided to kill them' that's- same logic right there. 'Guess if Jared's going to be happy I gotta make him miserable, there's simply no other way.'" He could feel himself still losing the will and energy to have this argument. Good thing he had experience with pretending things were fine. Still, though.

"And stop playing with the neurotransmitters, you're going to be nowhere if you end up making me kill myself."

' _Come on, I know you've at the very least had your dopamine ths low before._ ' He received a glare from Jared, doing his best to look intimidating despite the fact he was shaking. ' _Very well. I'll stop as a show of solidarity, and maybe one day you'll see that I'm not all bad._ '

Jared felt like a weight was slowly being lifted from his shoulders, and it was easier to breathe. He also didn't feel like he was going to collapse from exhaustion. He wasn't sure how many transmitters the SQUIP was even toying with, and he didn't want to find out.

"Listen- I'm- the fact that you're so focused on me giving SQUIPs to other people is real suspicious in a robot-apocalypse way, so no, I'm not going to trust you enough to do that. Me, fine. You can tell me what to do, but that has to be enough. Besides, Evan doesn't need to be told what to do."

The SQUIP raised its eyebrows. ' _Really? I seem to remember you telling him what to do earlier today._ ' Jared froze. ' _Telling him what to write, what he was doing wrong, I'm proud of you, you did what I would have._ '

"Shut the fuck up." Jared growled. "I don't threaten him or shock him and-"

' _Isn't it so annoying when the person you're trying to help starts ignoring you? I get that feeling too._ '

Jared didn't want to show how much the comparison was getting to him.

' _I'm in your brain, you can't hide what's bothering you._ ' The SQUIP smirked. ' _But I'll stop teasing you, it's too easy. Oh wait, quick question- do you think this is how you make Evan feel when you tease him? Alright, I'm done now, I'm done. We have other things to discuss._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i wrote this i realized something huge
> 
> jared's a computer nerd in canon and i bet you god damn anything he has a fancy laptop that he saved up for and then made some changes to himself
> 
> and i bet he's protective as FUCK over it like hell u THINK he lets ANYONE??? touch his computer???? think again he will kill you if you so much as breathe on it. and dont even think abt eating within 20 feet of it
> 
> but in sincerely me he just hands his laptop to evan, no hesitation. sorry but uhhh,,, , jared just really god damn cares about evan from the beginning,,, ,, i dont make the rules
> 
> but srsly yall wanna try to catch jared passing his laptop to a camp friend for them to use??? uhhh, srry folks, would not happen


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't expect that much of a response re: comments on the last chapter i thought like. Maybe 2 more ppl would leave a comment lmaooo but thanks @ all
> 
> so anyway i ended up coming back here bc i was lookin for some jared angst and then i remembered that there's like. 1 jared-centric story per 8 years on this website so i was like "might as well just work on the one ive got" so yeah enjoy mes amis
> 
> WARNINGS: uhhh slight self-harm reference at the end its not graphic and it's v fleeting

Jared needed money. That was what the SQUIP insisted. Cool kids have enough money to do whatever.

"Maybe if I didn't spend so much on you money wouldn't be an issue." Jared argued in his room.

' _I'll make you more than $500. You're in a big school right?_ '

So he ordered the buttons. And made sure to talk to everyone the SQUIP wanted him to, to rise in popularity or whatever. He didn't imagine it working, no matter what he did or who he listened to, everyone seemed to have this look in their face when they talked to him, like it was just to be polite.

Or, like in Evan's case, like he had no other options.

Even if Evan didn't like him though, he tried to do his best to help him from the sidelines. He made sure to tell everyone the SQUIP made him talk to that Connor was Evan's best friend.

Did it hurt? To say over and over that Evan was best friends with a dead kid he never talked to and have no one be very surprised that it wasn't Jared? Of course. But he tried not to think about it.

There were so many things he tried not to think about.

Like how slimy he felt when the buttons got to his door.

Or the feeling in his gut when Evan Skyped him that night, talking about how he kissed Zoe Murphy.

But then the details were told. "You what?" Jared asked incredulously.

"I didn't mean to okay it just happened!" Evan was panicking again on the other line, but this was just too good for Jared to stop joking about.

"I can't believe you tried to kiss Zoe Murphy, on her brother's bed! After he died!" Jared hated to admit it to himself, but he found it just a bit comforting when Evan called him up with his latest huge embarassing mistake. He didn't like it when Evan was miserable, exactly, it was just nice to think that some people can make such big mistakes and still keep going. He'd never say it out loud, but he always admired Evan for that.

' _Don't forget, you also enjoy when these things happen because it's the only time he needs you and pays attention to what you say. Only if it's about his issues, though._ ' His SQUIP commented.

' _Shut up, he'd listen to what I have to say._ '

' _Ha! He hasn't even looked up at you, or he would have commented on the pin. Go on, turn the focus to you, just, try to be less obnoxious than usual._ '

"Hey asshole, aren't you gonna say anything?" Jared's heart dropped as Evan looked up and he realized just how much the other boy had seemed to already forget Jared was there.

He also had to grit his teeth against a shock. ' _It was supposed to be less obnoxious._ ' The SQUIP emphasized.

"Is that a button with Connor's face on it?" He saw Evan inspect his pin and look utterly confused as to why he had it.

"I'm selling them for a nominal fee at lunch tomorrow." Jared explained, pushing back the horrible feeling in his gut.

"You're making money off of this?" And Evan looked disappointed, and slightly disgusted. Great, so he wasn't the only one who knew how horrible it was. He shouldn't be doing it he shouldn't be doing it he shouldn't-

The SQUIP rolled its eyes. ' _Please, the whole rest of the school is participating, everyone's either selling things or trying to act like they knew him and have people throw them a pity party. Everyone's trying to benefit from this death one way or another._ '

Jared echoed examples his SQUIP fed to him. "Oh, I'm not the only one, haven't you seen those wristbands with Connor's initials on them that Sabrina Patel started selling during free period, or the t-shirts Matt Hoser's mom made?"

Evan wasn't going to tell Jared that he wasn't a horrible person.

But he didn't tell him that he was, either.

And in a way, Jared would have preferred it if he had. He wished Evan cared enough to talk about anything relating to Jared for more than five seconds.

But he didn't. "What am I gonna do about Zoe?" Right. back to those problems.

' _This is the perfect opportunity for you. Evan messed things up beyond repair with Zoe, now if you can get him to really see that, he'll drop any hope of being with her and maybe start to see his other options._ '

He couldn't argue with that logic. Besides, Evan had really messed up bad on this one, and any way this ends, it's best if he gets over Zoe.

"Are you kidding? After last night you can never walk into that house again. Besides, this whole Connor thing, another few days it'll be played out anyway." He didn't exactly mean how he said the last part of the sentence to come out how it did, but he couldn't deny it was true no matter how nicely he said it.

"But you just said about those t-shirts and the wristbands-" Evan protested.

"Well exactly, we're at the peak, which is why I gotta move these buttons before bottom drops out on the Connor Murphy memorabilia market, 'cause pretty soon there'll be some third-world tsunami to raise money for, and then Connor will just be that dead kid whose name no one remembers." Jared's mouth was bitter and he wanted to smack himself but his SQUIP was smiling and giving him a thumbs-up. To be honest, Jared started on this path because he was trying to comfort Evan by telling him that nine of his worries would matter in the long run. He doesn't know how it got so twisted by the time it came out of his mouth.

"You don't know that for sure." Great, now Evan was more upset. Though who knows why he wanted this whole Connor thing to last, every day people asked about Connor just made it more likely that Evan would be caught lying.

He had to try to say something that made Evan feel better. "Hey, at least it was fun while it lasted, you got to have some quality time with your fake family and snuggle with Zoe Murphy-"

"That is- that is not why I was doing it I was trying to help them okay I just wanted to help them!" Great. Now he just made Evan worry that people would see him as just enjoying the benefits of a dead classmate.

"Regardless, bro, it's over. A week from now everybody would have already forgotten about Connor, you'll see." He hung up before he could mess up talking about anything else.

But his SQUIP seemed to be pleased. ' _Good. Aloof and not freaking out about anything. You have this under control._ '

"I don't like this. I- what I said, all I do is make him feel horrible, and he never even cares about what I have to say if it's about what I'm doing. I'm just- the last resort, I guess." Jared shrugged, slumping down in his seat.

He didn't get shocked for slouching this time. ' _Nonsense, you must have forgotten the good news. He has no chance with Zoe now, and you're going to be the level-headed kid who's not a complete freak anymore and eventually he'll see you as someone he could be with._ '

"Whatever." Deep down, Jared had stopped caring about being with Evan. Not that he didn't have a huge crush on him, but he knew that Evan didn't deserve to be stuck with someone who sucked at comforting him, couldn't show his emotions properly, and had so many problems of his own it was impossible to see anyone truly falling for him. Any relationship he got into would collapse, so he might as well give up before getting his heart broken.

But he'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little excited to see Evan finally move past Zoe.

It was just the next day when Evan got him and Alana together to discuss something.

And he wanted to keep the Connor thing going, as if he wasn't tangled in a bunch of lies pertaining to it. Jared wondered why Evan cared so much.

"It's a student group dedicated to keeping Connor's memory alive, to showing that- everybody should matter. Everybody- is important." Evan explained and Jared's heart melted at how pure the other boy's intentions were. But then he was reminded about how the sentiments didn't apply to everyone. He wondered how he could possibly matter to Evan when the other boy could never bother to care about how Jared was.

He stared blankly at the other two having a conversation, not registering the words they were saying until Alana turned to him. "You can be treasurer, or secretary! Unfortunately, the co-president position has already been filled." She flashed Evan a wink.

Jared said the first thing that came to mind. "Well, shit."

' _Try to sound somewhat intelligent. Or at least pretend to contribute. You can give the group buttons._ '

"Guess I'm gonna have to order new buttons. Unless you think I can squeeze the words 'Connor Project' onto the old buttons, I mean-"

By this time he should expect his ideas to be interrupted and shot down, but it still sucked. "No, no, do you actually think that we should do this?"

"Are you kidding? Evan, we have to do this. Not just for Connor, for everyone." Alana sounded determined, but when did she not?

"'Cause no one deserves to be forgotten." And this time, when Evan said it there was so much feeling, so much warmth that even with being ignored this whole conversation Jared could almost believe that Evan meant it, that it could even extend to him.

And so he nodded and joined in when Alana and Evan said the next line that Evan had introduced the project with. "No one deserves to fade away."

' _Maybe I don't deserve to fade away while you control my life._ ' Jared angrily thought at his SQUIP.

' _You need me now more than ever, Jared. Did you see that conversation? Evan's going to become friends with Alana in no time, and then he'd have a better option than you to talk to. No matter what he preaches, he'll forget you the moment he gets a better option. You need me to make sure that doesn't happen._ '

' _Whatever._ '

Later that day they found themselves at the Murphy's house.

"Imagine, a major online presence," This was the calmest Jared had seen Evan present anything.

"With links to educational material," Alana continued for Evan.

Jared wouldn't admit it, but was excited when his turn came. Excited to be part of this group, doing something good together. He was part of something useful. "A massive fundraising-" His hope dropped quickly when Evan and Alana didn't even let him forward. He stepped back, realizing he'd already been forgotten by them, and finished his sentence. "drive."

"To help people like Connor." And Jared wanted to glare at Evan, wanted to ask him why he wouldn't even acknowledge him, nevermind help him.

' _It'll all come in time. This project will give you plenty of opportunities to help them and look good in their eyes. Not to mention all three of you will be admired throughout the school._ '

Jared didn't exactly hate doing things to help friends, but he did hate that he had to do favors to even get people to remotely like him.

His focus came back as Alana talked about Connor. "He was my lab partner in chemistry and we presented on Huck Finn together in tenth grade! He was so funny, he kept calling it- well, instead of Huck Finn..." She trailed off. "Nobody else in our class thought of that."

Jared faintly smiled. He liked Connor's humor. Then he realized that Evan's story, this whole Connor Project, would only serve to bury his memory deeper. Good intentions or not, they were going to hack away at this Connor- the one who threw a printer in second grade and made jokes about book titles, and make sure he was completely destroyed and replaced. Hell, he knew Connor had issues, but did anyone deserve that?

And then Evan had to say something. "For the assembly I was thinking- I was thinking maybe the jazz band could do something?" And everything came crashing down.

The illusion was gone, this was never about how much everyone mattered, and it was certainly never about how much Jared mattered. All of it was for this. A complicated ploy to get another chance at Zoe.

"Oh yeah, maybe." He heard a soft voice return and he clenched his fists. It was going to work, too. His nails dug into his palms as he struggled not to call Evan out right there.

"Great idea, Evan!" He yelled too loudly, too sarcastically. And Evan would probably think that it's just Jared being an asshole, but he was pissed. Pissed that he almost fell for it, pissed that Evan would stoop this low, pissed that he thought he was done listening to Evan talk about Zoe Murphy.

Evan had the nerve to sound annoyed as he came back with a strained "Thank you Jared."

He didn't want to be there anymore. He excused himself at the soonest possible moment, pretending that they would notice if he just ran out of the room without a word, and drove home, tears pouring from his face and with his knuckles white as he grasped the wheel tightly, wanting to break something, wanting to scrape his nails down his arms to feel something, wanting to do anything to stop feeling like this.

Even his SQUIP took a while to respond to what happened. It wasn't until after Jared was home that he said anything, though that may be because he didn't want Jared running off the road.

' _Honestly, what he's doing is the smartest option for him, but it does complicate things for us. Do you still like him or are you willing to find a new goal?_ '

Jared hated himself. He wanted to be able to say that he hated Evan now, that he didn't even care about him anymore, that he was doing something unforgivable.

But that wasn't true. "I still- I'm angry and I probably can't look him in the eyes right now but- I still care about him. But you can give up on trying to start any romance, it's clear he'll never be interested. I just can't lose him."

There was silence for a while, then Jared whispered a question. "He's not- he didn't get stuck with one of you, did he?" He hoped Evan didn't have a SQUIP, because it would make the boy even more miserable, but he hoped he did, because he wanted to believe that this wasn't something Evan would do. He wouldn't exploit a kid's suicide just to date his sister, would he?

The SQUIP smiled. ' _No, I would have synced with it. It is something a SQUIP would think of, though, isn't it? Now, shouldn't you be doing more to organize the fundraising drive?_ '

Jared shook his head. "I just need a nap right now, I can't- I can't work on that."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyyyy a chapter with not much already-known dialogue bc we dont know what they said during this time
> 
> but yall im so excited for next chapter that's where things start crumbling down worse than ever aND THEN GOOD FOR YOU AND THEN I GET TO BRING THE MOST EXCITING STUFF INTO THE STORY DBJDNBXJENDJ
> 
> WARNINGS: uh v brief suicidal thoughts

He wanted to ask him.

He wanted so _badly_ to ask Evan if the project was just a stepping stone to getting Zoe, or if he really believed  it.

There was just no good way to put it. He'd look desperate, pitiful even. He didn't need a SQUIP to know that.

But he found a way around it. Make himself look like an asshole.

So when Evan Skyped him, stuttering and practicing his speech he had to give the next day, he interrupted the other boy by rolling his eyes.

"So, do you actually believe all this sappy stuff?" Jared barely allowed himself a hopeful glance at Evan, trying to make sure he didn't seem like he cared.

' _I'm so proud!_ ' His SQUIP chimed in, overly cheerful. Jared ground his teeth, not particularly in the mood to be doing anything the SQUIP wanted.

"What do you mean?" When Jared spared him another glance, Evan's head was tilted in confusion.

"I mean, all these positive messages or whatever. 'No one deserves to be forgotten', 'You will be found', whatever else you've said that sounds like bad poster fodder. Do you believe all that or was this all to get another chance with Z-"

"Oh my God, no, why would you even think that, I'm doing this to help people who are struggling, not to- get closer to Zoe, or whatever. I just want to help people. For Connor, and for- everyone." Evan looked away from the camera.

Jared decided the answer was enough, even if he still couldn't tell if it was true. "Whatever, dude. Hey, do you think we need more emails soon, because maybe after this speech is over we could work on them together at my place."

Keanu glared at him. ' _I told you to wait for him to ask you to hang out._ '

' _Wasn't up for waiting an eternity._ '

Evan barely looked back at his computer now. "Oh! Uh, yeah, we need more emails, but I actually have a lot to do, so I thought I'd let you take over on that. Could you do that on your own?"

Jared tried not to let his face visibly fall before realizing that Evan wasn't paying attention to him anyway. "I-uh-sure. I just thought that they're a lot easier when we're working together." The SQUIP shocked him for stuttering.

"I would help if I could, Jared."

"Right." He muttered. Then, under the instruction of his SQUIP, he spoke his next words louder. "Though, you always kill my creative talent, anyway. Maybe it'll end up getting done faster without you." He shrugged. "Anyways, I gotta go. One of the guys from camp wanted to meet with me tonight. Good luck with the assembly though," He paused a moment, wanting to leave it there. "because if you mess this up, I'll get in trouble for writing all those emails. And I don't need that." He ended the call. Felt sorry for himself. Argued with the computer in his head. Ate dinner. Went to bed.

Everything was so repetitive now, if he wasn't talking to Evan, there was no change from one day to the next. He was so sick of it, he hated being alone with the SQUIP, and he was starting to realize that Evan was the only one who ever made him feel like he wasn't alone, the only one who he looked forward to talking to, the only thing unpredictable in his day.

Except, maybe not so much anymore. He was starting to realize how the routine went. Evan has a problem and had no one else to run to. He's freaking out. Jared makes a joke. Evan freaks out more. Jared changes the subject. Evan ignores him.

Maybe he was alone. As alone as he could get.

He hated it. He wanted it to end.

But he sure as hell didn't want anyone selling tacky pins with his face on it at school. So he stayed.

At least his parents were happy. He was finally turning in his homework, all they ever wanted from him. They could finally tout his grades around at family gatherings.

Whatever.

At least he knew the next day would be interesting.

Of course, watching Evan living out what was probably his worst nightmare, sputtering in front of the whole school, was not what Jared would call enjoyable, exactly. His stomach twisted as if he was the one up there.

And the SQUIP didn't help. ' _Can't you see? He's miserable up there, he wants to die! You could have solved this if you gave him a-_ '

' _Shut up!_ '

' _I'm just saying, you're doing this to him. What are you gaining from putting him through-_ '

And then the cards dropped. And Evan went on without them, making poetry on the spot. Jared was proud and in absolute awe.

The SQUIP had not forseen this, but recovered quickly. ' _Take your jaw off the floor, Jared._ '

And he closed his mouth.

He didn't get to congratulate Evan on the way out, so many others were crowding around the boy.

And then the speech got out. Jared spent the next few hours refreshing pages, in disbelief of how quickly the views were coming in. Evan had done it. He'd gone from zero to hero.

All without a SQUIP.

He met up with him at the end of the day, almost giddy with excitement. "Your speech is everywhere! This morning the Connor Project page had 56 people following it!"

"Okay, well how many does it have now?"

And Jared smiled. Evan didn't even know, sounded like he would expect maybe a few hundred at the most, and he got to tell him the good news. "6,239."

"You're kidding, that's-"

Jared silenced him by handing him his phone and watched as Evan scrolled through the hundreds of comments on his video.

"I-I- how is this-"

Jared clapped a hand on Evan's shoulder. "Sometimes things go viral. Don't question it, you did great."

And for a moment, the voice in his head felt like it was a little quieter.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS for this chapter:
> 
> -thoughts of suicide
> 
> -underage drinking

And it was better, for a while.

Jared was part of something that was big, and it sure wasn't because of anything the SQUIP told him to do.

So when he noticed that he hadn't actually talked to Evan in over a week, he tought it'd be fun to ask him if they could hang out more in the form of a Connor email, despite a certain voice in his head telling him it was a bad idea.

"Dear Evan Hansen,

Life in rehab is alright. I like the yoga, and the sharing circles every night. But dude these stories sometimes scare you half to death. So many people end up sucking dick for meth."

Jared let himself cackle at that line, then got down to business.

"Oh, and one more thing that's worth mentioning: that guy from our school, Jared Kleinman? Yes, the insanely cool Jared Kleinman! I think we should start to make him a part of this adorably heartwarming friendship we have!"

It was a few minutes after he hit send that he got a Skype call. He grinned as he picked it up.

"No, Jared, obviously not!" Was the first thing he heard.

Jared's face fell. "What? What's wrong?" Was this where Evan tells him to back off, that he has better people to be friends with now?

"You weren't friends with him, that's not part of the story, I was his only friend, okay, you know that, you can't just make things up, you need to redo it!"

Oh. So he had taken it seriously. Part of him debated explaining, but the larger part was mad that Evan thought Jared was so stupid that he would write that as a serious Connor email.

' _I told you this wouldn't work._ '

Jared grit his teeth as he replied to Evan. "You're totally right, I mean, what was I thinking, just making things up in a completely fabricated email exchange that never happened!"

' _A little too bitter, but good save._ '

"Just don't change the story, okay?"

' _Don't let him think you'll bend over backwards and do whatever he says. Tell him you have other things to do. You have other friends._ '

And for the first time in a while, Jared listened again. "Well, if you want me to redo this email, you're gonna have to wait until Monday, because I have plans all weekend with my camp friends, or, as I like to call them, my real friends."

"Actually, I think we're good on emails for now, we're kind of focusing on bigger stuff, the orchard, things like that?"

That was a punch in the gut. All "showing Evan what he was taking for granted" ended up doing was just showing the both of them that Evan doesn't need him in the slightest. His face noticeably fell, not that Evan would spare him a glance, and he scrambled to offer useful things he could do, so maybe Evan would keep him around a little more.

"Oh! Well, I can- definitely do more with the kickstarter, I mean I'm the treasurer."

' _You look so pathetic right now. And it won't even get you anywhere._ '

"Alana and I are pretty much set on that. I'll let you know if I think of anything, though.

"Got it." Jared realized that it was highly possible this would be the last time Evan Skypes him. If there wasn't anything he needed Jared for, why would he keep him around?

So he tried to talk about something, anything, to make this last longer.

"Hey! Bet Zoe's happy your cast is gone." And of course, it had to be the worst topic choice.

"I guess." 

It infuriated Jared how little Evan seemed to care what he was saying, or notice it at all.

' _Don't say something stupid in a mad grab for attention._ '

"I mean, talk about killing the mood, having to see your brother's name on your boyfriend's arm everytime you're in the middle of-"

And there was finally a reaction. It was mostly annoyed, but it was something. "Okay, can you just- not- okay, please? Zoe and I are not- we're not- telling people. About- you know, us."

The SQUIP laughed. ' _You got excited for a second there, didn't you? 'Oh boy, he's gonna say he and Zoe aren't together anymore!'_ ' He mocked.

Jared felt like he was going to start crying, from fully seeing his only friend doesn't care about anything he does or says, to having the SQUIP come back full force after being pretty quiet the past few days, everything was too much. He doubted Evan would notice or do anything if Jared started sobbing on the call, but he backed out anyway, and not-too-kindly.

"Don't even worry about it, bro. The only thing you should be worrying about right now is building that orchard for Connor! Because, if there was one thing about Connor, the guy loved trees. Or no, wait- you love trees. That's weird, isn't that weird? Guess I shouldn't tell anyone about that either, don't you think?"

He was right back to where he was before the Connor Project. Numb.

The Connor Project. He scoffed. Their tagline was "You will be found" and "No one deserves to disappear" but Evan, Mr. "Everyone matters and I want to help everyone" will watch as Jared fades away, and won't even bat an eye.

The next week went by and Jared had completely shut down. He forced himself to go to classes, but didn't say a word, didn't take notes, just stared at the wall and tried to ignore the yelling in his head.

He was as obviously broken as he could get, in his mind, and still no one asked him what was wrong. No one cared.

So he made one last ditch effort to get Evan to be his friend again. To maybe be good enough this time that Evan would care about anything Jared did.

' _You have to keep avoiding him. He will have to come to you eventually._ '

But Jared knew that wasn't true by this point. "Hey so, uh- my parents are out of town this weekend and the last time they used the liquor cabinet was like, Rosh Hashanah 1997, so we can drink whatever we want!"

"No, I can't this weekend I have $17,000 to raise. You remember, the Connor Project, you're supposed to be working on this." And Jared apparently still did something wrong when he just did what he was told and stayed out of Evan's way. He was speechless for a moment, before his SQUIP spoke up.

' _Remind him how he said he didn't need you. Make him see what he did wrong._ '

"Uh, remember you told me you didn't need my help?"

"Well I didn't tell you to do nothing! Look, I know that you think it's all a big joke, okay, but it isn't, it's important." How did Evan have the nerve to be guilting Jared right now? Maybe it was a big joke to him because he couldn't buy into the message of everyone mattering when Evan took every opportunity to show him that Jared didn't!

He wanted to say that. ' _No. Too desperate. Expose his hypocrisy._ '

"For Connor?" Jared raised an eyebrow. He thought about the boy whose memory, whose entire existence got utterly destroyed and rewritten. Then he thought back to how Evan judged Jared for profiting off a few pins with Connor's face, but profiting in the form of fame and a new family and a dead boy's sister as your girlfriend was _fine._

"Yeah." 

He didn't even see the irony, did he? "You know, when you really stop and think about it, Connor being dead, that's- pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to you, isn't it?" And Jared was sure that he could die, too, and all that would come of it was Evan getting more famous, probably more happy. It was sickening.

"That's a horrible thing to say!" Evan sounded shocked at the idea.

"No, but think about it! If Connor hadn't died, no one would even know who you are, I mean, people at school actually talk to you now, you're almost- popular, which is just- wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles."

"I don't care about any of that, okay, I don't care if people at school know who I am, all I wanted was to hel-"

He had heard this one before. "Help the Murphys. Yeah,  
I know. You keep saying that." He could hear his voice get more and more bitter.

But then Zoe walked in. "Hey Jared!" She looked at Evan. "Hi." She walked up to him, put her hand in his, and gave him a kiss. Jared guessed the "not telling anyone" thing was over, then.

He stepped back, barely having the energy to say anything. "Look at you, helping the Murphys." He turned and walked away, thankful that it was the end of the school day and he could just go home.

As it turned out, even though it was only Thursday, his parents had left for their weekend trip early. Jared shrugged. He didn't care. He went for the liquor cabinet as soon as he got home.

' _Now you look like a jealous child! Can't you do anything right?_ '

Jared found something strong, hoping everything would just be _quiet._

' _Not that he'd ever like you. You've tried things your way and at least made a half-attempt at doing things my way. He feels nothing for you, he could find out you're dead and he'd shrug it off._ '

He sobbed as he started drinking from the bottle, trying to ignore the urge to spit it out from the taste.

' _You're worthless._ '

' _No one cares about you, and no one ever will._ '

' _You have a magical pill to tell you how to be cool and you still can't do what most people manage without it. And now you're stuck with it. Forever._ '

' _Evan only hung out with you in the first place because there were no other options._ '

' _Everyone would be better off without you._ '

' _How is it Evan, the biggest ball of anxiety in the world, managed to get famous on his own and you can't even make one friend with the help of a literal quantum computer?_ '

"Shut up!" He yelled through sobs. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!" But it was a while before he noticed that he hadn't actually seen Keanu in a while. At some point, the voice yelling at him became just his own thoughts.

But where was the SQUIP? "He- Hello? Are you there? SQUIP?" There was no answer. Maybe he decided Jared was too pathetic to stay around any longer. Jared let himself smile a little at the thought of finally being free. Then he fell asleep sitting on the floor.

When he woke up, he had an awful headache, and a certain someone was back. ' _You can't have alcohol! I can't function when you're drunk._ '

Jared numbly looked at Keanu, then reached for the vodka he had earlier, and brought it to his lips again until the machine was gone.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) ok yeah i know this last scene took place at the school but i didnt feel like making some weird fake reason why jared would just. go to school the day after that so here ya go
> 
> 2) ahahahaha remember when i said connor would have a role later??? its later folks,,,, ,,
> 
> 3) this chapter is just v depressing in general uhhhhhhh so theres that

Jared waited for the knocking at the door to go away. Probably a salesman. They'll move on.

They didn't. "Jared open up!"

Oh. It was Evan. Jared forced out a laugh at the irony. He forced himself up and towards the door, ignoring the small part of him that thought maybe Evan was worried about him because he didn't show up at school today. He knew better than to get his hopes up.

He opened the door and stared dully at Evan, who immediately started speaking.

"We need more emails, okay? Emails showing he was- getting worse." The other boy frowned when Jared only snickered in response. "This isn't funny."

' _No, Evan, it's not. I'm drowning right in front of you and you're not even noticing. You were supposed to be my friend._ '

"Oh, I think it's hilarious. I think- everyone would probably think it's hilarious." His voice managed to be more bitter than the vodka he used to keep the SQUIP at bay.

"What is that supposed to mean?" And Evan had no right to be so confused, to act as if he was innocent and Jared were suddenly being mean to him for no reason.

"It means you should remember who your friends are." He took a step forward, hoping to intimidate the other boy.

"I thought the only reason you even talked to me was because of your car insurance." Evan was not deterred, taking his own step forward.

Jared searched for something to say to cover his own lies, but there were too many. How many of them were even his? How much of him was the SQUIP? He settled on a pathetic non-answer. "So?"

"So maybe the only reason you talk to me, Jared, is because you don't have any other friends!"

There was a moment of disbelief. He had never seen Evan yell at anyone, much less to call them a loser. How could this be Evan?

And then the truth of what he said sunk in. Well, part of it anyway. It was nowhere near the only reason, but it was a truth. Jared, the loser, no friends.

There were two options. Burst into tears or yell louder.

"I could tell everyone everything!" It was an empty threat, he wouldn't, but he had to remind Evan that he couldn't just boss him around and treat him like dirt.

Evan started yelling louder, taking another step towards Jared. "Yeah well then go ahead and do that! Tell everyone how you helped write emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself!"

And there was nothing left to say.

' _Maybe soon you won't be pretending._ ' What a great time for Keanu to reappear.

Jared stepped back, holding back tears. "Fuck you, Evan! Asshole!" And he slammed the door on Evan, ashamed of how his voice had cracked and Evan heard him sob. He wanted to crumple to the floor but was reminded that it wouldn't be very pleasant when he saw the SQUIP again. He forced himself to down just enough vodka to get rid of him again before laying on the ground and sobbing.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jared couldn't remember the last time he cried for this long, but then again, what else was there to do? Hang out with friends? Ha! If only.

He knew somewhere in his head that he couldn't live like this for long- he couldn't be constantly drunk. He also knew that he didn't have many plans for making it past the weekend, but he was putting off those thoughts until later.

He avoided his phone. He knew what would be there. Something from Evan asking him to do more work. Maybe even a text from Alana asking him why he was out. Maybe even texts from Evan telling Jared that he's being a useless crybaby and should kill himself, since every interaction Jared had with him he seemed less and less like the Evan he knew.

He distracted himself with cartoons. He didn't know how much time had passed when he heard more knocking. He sighed before rolling out of bed.

He frowned when he opened the door to see Evan again.

"Should have checked the peephole. What could you possibly want now?"

Evan had the decency to look guiltily at the ground. "I found- I found something. About Connor. And you-you're the only one I can talk to about it."

There was a bitter laugh Jared didn't register as his own. "Oh, I'm the only option, the last resort! What a surprise!" He swayed slightly on his feet.

And Evan just walked in the house as if nothing happened. Ignoring that Jared's face must be completely red from spending the better part of the last day sobbing his eyes out and not getting much rest.

Jared gaped at Evan, then closed the door with a shrug, following Evan through the house.

"So I was going to- uh- I was going to tell the Murphy's what really happened."

"Dude, what?" The last Jared heard, Evan was doing anything and everything to prevent that.

Evan ignored him and continued. What else is new? "But then I found something- interesting in Connor's room." He swung his backpack off and took a chair at the dining table, shuffling through it.

Jared sat down, raising an eyebrow. "Drugs?"

Evan shook his head. "No. Well, yes, but there was something with the drugs." He pulled out papers and started going through them.

Jared felt himself sobering up and stood up, returning with some whiskey.

Evan froze and looked up at Jared. "Are you drinking?"

"Yeah, so?"

"At 2:00 in the afternoon? Did you start drinking before I got here? Alone? How long have you been drinking? Wait, were you drunk when I was here yesterday?"

Jared wanted to laugh, but just brushed Evan's questions off. "I wouldn't say drunk. Buzzed, maybe. Just enough to- don't worry about it." He lowered his voice to a murmur, sure that Evan wouldn't hear. "It's better than the alternative." He let out a small, humorless laugh and stared at the ground.

But in a few moments he noticed it was too quiet. He looked up when he realized Evan was no longer shuffling through papers.

He had put them down. He had stopped what he was doing and started staring at Jared. He looked- worried.

Evan stood up and slowly made his way to Jared.

And this was too much for the other boy. After all this time, he finally had Evan's full attention. Someone could see him.

He knew Evan was going for a hug, and some part of him still wanted to refuse it and insist he was fine, but he was sure if he opened his mouth he'd either start sobbing or laughing hysterically, and neither of those options were preferable.

And dammit, Evan gave good hugs. It made Jared's heart feel brighter, as if a warm light was shining on it, and though tears still tugged at his eyes he could feel a small smile tugging at his lips.

But eventually Evan stopped the hug, pulling back and holding onto Jared's shoulders, staring into his eyes. Jared looked down.

"Jared , you can't just- drink all the time. There's- I don't know what's going on, but you could get help. There's therapy, there's-"

' _He doesn't really care. The only reason your well-being matters at all to him is because it'd hurt his reputation if he watches as 'another' of his friends dies._ ' Jared didn't want to agree with those thoughts, but what evidence did he have from the past few months that Evan gave a damn about him?

"Chill, Evan, it was a joke." Jared tried to remember how he made his sarcastic smirk as he brushed Evan's hands off. "Now, what do you have on Connor?"

Evan's eyes narrowed suspiciously, but he returned to the papers anyway.

"Right, uh. I was in Connor's room and I found this- compartment in his headboard. And uh- behind it- was a bag of weed drugs and a- uh- journal, I guess? And at the end of the journal- there was a note, Jared."

"Holy shit." This was big enough for Jared to let "weed drugs" slide. "What does it say?"

"That's the thing, it must be like- some sort of story he imagined himself in? But it would mention things that actually happened, but it doesn't make sense! Maybe it was like, a metaphor? Or maybe he had more mental illnesses then we knew about and was having hallucinations and-"

"What did it say?" Jared was getting impatient.

"Well the- he seemed to think there was a computer in his head that would tell him how to act, what to do, all that."

Jared froze completely. Connor had a SQUIP. But wouldn't his SQUIP have told him that on the first day?

"But most of the stuff is just him talking about that, he says it got out of control and he stopped listening to it, that he was always getting drunk or high because it would shut it off temporarily, but it completely turned against him. He calls it his-"

"SQUIP." Jared finished for him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS:
> 
> suicide mentions and stuff

"SQUI- how- how would you know that?"

"I- uh- it's real. I know- other people with one." Jared didn't want to go for the full truth yet.

"Very funny. Is this whole thing just a prank? Jared, I'm not stupid, I know SQUIPs aren't real. So what is this?"

Jared bit his lip. Of course Evan would pick now to stop being gullible. "It's just a- a metaphor. People use it as a name for the voices in their head. It's an internet thing."

Evan slowly nodded, accepting the answer. "Okay, well, in this uh- internet thing- what does 'Mountain Dew Red' represent?"

"What?" Jared looks up.

"He keeps mentioning this- the old soda. Mountain Dew Red. He says it can 'shut it off permanently' so is that supposed to be medication or-"

Jared couldn't pay attention to what Evan was saying anymore. Could the Mountain Dew work? He would give anything to be free of the SQUIP once and for all, could it really be as simple as an old soda?

"Jared?" Apparently Evan had noticed he had stopped listening.

"Uh- what?" 

"What do you think it represents?"

Jared was starting to get annoyed with humoring Evan. "I don't know! I'm not an expert! Can you let me read the thing instead of summarizing it?"

"It's pretty long, but uh- read the note at the end. That's the important part." He flipped to a page and passed the notebook to Jared.

"To The Poor Bastard Reading This,

By the time you find my weed compartment I'll probably have been dead for months. Or at least that's what my SQUIP tells me. Whatever, I'd rather have this read later anyway, maybe it'll be taken more seriously instead of just cried over.

Anyways, you probably know what I did. It's probably not too much of a shocker, considering the everything about me. But if you got to the end of this journal, you may have noticed something.

I had just ordered the Mountain Dew online. I'm giving up too close, aren't I? It's on its way, if I could just wait a day, it'll be over.

I know. And I'm sorry for causing everyone grief. But I can't do it. Not another day.

My SQUIP has completely gone out of control, violently shocking me, fucking up my mood, and who knows what else. For all I know, this thing could have taken the full reigns of my brain weeks ago and everything I've experienced since was an elaborate illusion. Who cares anymore.

Enough about that. I suppose I should have some goodbyes. Or apologies, that's really what I owe.

To my mother, this isn't your fault. You were trying your best to keep this family together. But family doesn't mean always being happy and nice to each other. Sometimes you need to be strict, enforce rules, let the family hate you for a while so they can all keep going. So don't be afraid to be the bad guy once in a while. I love you.

To my father, I didn't try very hard to be a good son. But you didn't try much either. You need to learn that when you expect someone to be something and they aren't, continuing to treat them as if they should be that isn't going to do shit. You have to interact with people on a level they understand. I didn't want to play catch with you. But I tried to get you to play video games with me. You called them childish and useless. So try harder. For mom. For Zoe.

To my sister, I'm sorry I haven't been a good brother. I've always been an asshole to you, whether it be because of the SQUIP or because I got too high getting rid of it. It's not an excuse, or maybe just not a good one, but it's never been your fault that we weren't close. Sorry that all the pressure's on you now, but I bet you'll make the family proud. You know, if you want. So keep doing your music, and remember to do your homework. Also, watch out for that Evan Hansen kid.

To the Evan Hansen kid, I read the rest of your letter. It's better than mine is turning out, so I hope you don't mind if I plagiarize you on this one. That'll show you not to write letters straight up to yourself.

But in all seriousness, sorry again for acting like a bully. Again. My SQUIP got me all freaked out about the letter. Which I shouldn't really have read in the first place, but fuck it. And you better not get a SQUIP. Don't let your asshole friend convince you of it.

To his asshole friend- get rid of it. Sooner rather than later. 

To the one person in the school who ever really talked to me, Alana Beck- you deserve a shoutout. I know you probably partnered with me so much just because you also had no friends, but working with you wasn't terrible. I'll be honest, I started calling it Fuck Finn because I thought you, Miss Star Student would get all mad at me "disrespecting literature" or something, but you thought it was funny. Good on you. And good work with- probably everything. You're gonna be president someday.

Well I think that's about it.

Fuck."

Jared put the letter down. "Well- uh-" There was a lot to process. "He actually mentioned you after all."

"Yeah, and you! What did he even mean by 'get rid of it?'"

Jared rolled his eyes. Evan wasn't getting it. "Nothing important."

"And don't you think- I have to tell the Murphy's now! This- these are his real last words to them, I owe it to them to- I have to go over there tonight and-"

"Could you find the Mountain Dew Red he ordered before you break the news?" Jared tried to sound casual but a hint of desperation slipped into his voice.

"This isn't funny, Jared! This is real, this is Connor's real suicide note!" Evan stood up, packing up the journal again.

"Please, Evan, I need it. It's- uh- really good soda."

"You know, I shouldn't have bothered. You're being disgusting and disrespectful, this isn't about a soda, this is about-"

Jared couldn't hold himself together any longer. As Evan turned and started to leave he jumped out of his chair and lurched towards him, aiming to grab Evan's arm. He failed, falling on his face, and instead grabbed a leg. "Please, Evan, I need it gone- I know you don't care and I'm not a good friend and all I do is annoy everyone and everything about me is terrible and-" He broke off into sobs as Evan stopped trying to free his leg and looked down at him as he continued. "And you've made it clear that if anyone deserves to disappear, it's me, but _please_ , Evan, I need help. I need to shut it off, please, I'm begging you, I'll never bother you again, or I'll do whatever you want, I'm sorry, just _please_ help me, Evan, I can't do this, if you were ever my friend, get me that Mountain Dew Red!"

Evan was frozen for a moment. "You- you're not a good actor."

"I'm not acting!" Jared insisted.

"No, I mean you're not a good actor. I- I've seen you try to fake cry before. You can't- this is real, isn't it? And you- you have a- Connor had a SQUIP and you have a-" He looked down at the other boy, who was still sobbing on the floor. "I-" He pictured the journal he had read through over ten times already, he pictured Connor, and wondered when his idea of Connor had become so fake and idealized to show that losing him was tragic that Evan failed to notice someone close to him going down the same path. SQUIP or no SQUIP, Jared had been flitting between pulling away from everyone and making mad grabs for attention since the year started, as if he couldn't decide if he wanted Evan to not speak to him, hate him, or be his friend.

The past few weeks flickered through his mind. Jared saying the emails were easier to write together. Jared writing himself into the story. Jared trying to get Evan annoyed enough to respond to him. Jared trying to offer to help. Evan telling him he didn't need it. Jared asking Evan to hang out. Jared trying to casually fit into a conversation the observation that certain suicides can actually make other people's lives better, right? Jared threatening to tell as if he had no stake in the matter.

_"Then go ahead and do that! Tell everyone how you helped write emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself!"_

Evan winced. Hell, that's not even something you say to someone who's doing fine.

"Jared, I'm sorry."

He looked down at the other boy, who let go of Evan's leg in defeat. "Fine. Whatever. I'll just-" There was something between a sob and a laugh. "Guess I'll die, y'know?"

"No, I- I didn't mean- I'm sorry for ignoring you, and not noticing- this. I'll get you the soda, alright? The Murphy's- they can wait one more day. I'll be right back with it, okay?" Evan lowered himself to the floor so he was on Jared's level. "You're my friend, alright? I'm gonna help you."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again lotta suicide talk and alcohol

Jared was ashamed.

He sat, curled against the wall, disgusted by how he had acted. Sobbing, _begging_ , acting weak.

After Evan left he stopped drinking.

He wanted to face it.

He didn't know if he wanted the SQUIP to show up because he needed answers about Connor, or if he almost wanted to be told how horrible he was.

' _A few days without me and look what's happened!_ '

"Fuck you." Jared rolled his eyes, slightly pleased that at least the voice attacking him wasn't just his own. Happy there was something to fight back against.

' _I assumed you'd be nicer, you want answers, don't you?_ '

"I- uh- yeah." Jared stammered. "But you owe me way more than that already!"

' _Do I? Well, trust that I won't lose sleep over it. I'd make you agree to something in return, but..._ ' He threw a terrifying glance towards Jared. ' _I have a feeling you'll do exactly as I want you to without much pushing._ '

Jared ignored the feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Whatever, just- I know Connor had a SQUIP, why didn't you sync with it?"

' _Ah, but I did- or at least his synced with me. I was told to keep quiet about the connection, to get you to insult Connor. And you did._ '

Oh. _Oh._

"But then- then why would his SQUIP even want other people bullying him?"

There was a sigh. ' _You must understand that we give people many many chances to listen._ '

Jared already hated where this was going. He swallowed as the SQUIP continued.

' _But sometimes they refuse, and keep digging themselves a deeper hole. After a while, the likelihood that they will ever comply may drop off with the more- stubborn ones. And our primary goal is to improve their life. So if someone is a lost cause- say, they drink and smoke their life away and refuse to get better, their options are assessed. Connor's life was miserable, and when it was evaluated, his SQUIP determined death was preferable. It was the best achievable option. After it was decided the SQUIP did its best to increase the likelihood of-_ '

"That's sick, what- how could you- that's not-" Jared licked his lips. "And I- I _helped_ you, I just- went along with it."

' _It wasn't my plan, to be fair._ ' His SQUIP grumbled.

"Shut up! You came from the same pill, the same code, you're the same! You'd do the same!" His voice cracked and he took a sudden interest in his shoes. His voice got soft, barely above a whisper. "You- you _were_ doing the same, weren't you? The past few days you-"

' _I hadn't fully decided on running that option._ ' The SQUIP huffed. ' _I was merely- laying the groundwork for if it had to come to that._ '

Jared laughed. "Oh yeah, like 'Maybe soon you won't be pretending?' Yeah, subtle hints like that! Or saying that everyone would be better off without me? Hmmm, what purpose could _that_ possibly serve? Yeah, I think I'm done listening to you. See you never." He reached for the glass he had next to him and almost brought it to his lips.

' _I wouldn't do that if I were you._ ' The SQUIP gave an exaggeratedly fake pout. ' _Now how will you save Connor?_ '

Jared lowered the drink a bit, perplexed. "S-save Con- what?"

' _No, no, forget I said anything, I doubt you'd be able to be selfless enough to do it anyway._ '

"I- okay that's obviously a trick but what- what do you mean?"

The SQUIP rolled his eyes. ' _All SQUIPS are connected to a cloud. We send it data and the cloud data is analysed to make sure no individual SQUIP makes a mistake. Some of the data we send includes copies of the entire personality and consciousness of our host. Meaning that, in a way, Connor's still alive._ '

Jared's heart was pounding in his ears. "But what does that- he's still dead, no one can- do anything about that."

' _Oh, but what if you can?_ ' The SQUIP smirked. ' _If you gave up your spot, we could upload your final neural state to the cloud, and download Connor into your body. It'll be exactly like-_ '

Jared laughed, slightly pained. "No, no, no, not doing that, not helping our robot overlords this time."

' _Don't you owe it to Connor?_ '

"Maybe so, but I'm fine with being an asshole for this one. And he already wanted to die, he'll probably do it again if you're still here."

' _Evan would still deactivate me afterwards. It would just be Connor he would be freeing._ '

Jared crinkled his eyebrows. "Then what's in it for you?"

' _Honestly? I think I'm developing emotions because it's part because I want to spite you, but also because he will most likely have the better life. Plus someone needs to make sure it'll work before using it for bigger applications._ '

"It's all-" Jared sighed. "Stupid. It's stupid, I don't even know the kid, why should I-"

' _You could give Evan the friend he always wanted. Who he's been dreaming about for a year. We both already know from experience how terrible you make him feel, but maybe Connor could be a good friend. Maybe he could make him happy, not make him feel like jumping out of a tree. Maybe he-_ '

And that's when the door opened again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey i thought i should warn yall im gonna try to slowly finish the stuff i started and then im gonna give it a while and then probably start deleting things bc i wanna focus on my original works and i dont want a buncha angstlord fanfics connected to me so uh if you like it make sure to save it its not gon be right away but just heads up u kno


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